Monday, October 4, 2010

Let me check the math

So I saw The Social Network. It didn't blow me away. It wasn't that it was bad or anything, it's just that it's so obvious that most of it is exaggerated. I mean honestly, Mark Zuckerberg is made out to be some socially retarded asshole with magic programing skills. I understand he could probably hack college computer systems but I mean the whole character is completely unfit for anyone with an intelligence like his. If you haven't seen the movie this next part is spoilers. So basically Mark gets wasted and makes a site where people rated girls at Harvard by how hot they are, which gets him in trouble for breach of privacy or something stupid like that. Basically the Harvard computer guys get all butt-hurt that he hacked their system, and put him on probation. Then these twin brothers from some club read the story and ask him to make their site. Of course Mark steals the idea and makes Facebook, and the wonder twins are like "well shit" so they sue him. While this is going on, Justin Timberlake gets high on cocaine and convinces Mark that he is the one true master of the internet and that Mark should come hang with him in Cali. So he does cause he's got a raging boner for the guy, and his friend who has been paying for Facebook so far is all "OK I'll stay here and try to get money for the site, please don't screw me over." So Mark and Timberlake screw him over, which Mark seems to be indifferent about which is weird cause it's his only friend, and I don't see how anyone with the intelligence required to get into Harvard could not see that screwing over an old friend because of a new man-crush is a shit idea. Whatever. So then Timberlake gets caught with coke and he's all "it's not mine" but Marks doesn't believe him. Eventually Mark's lawyer tells him that he's probably in the right, but he's gonna lose the case cause of all the times he was an asshole which is always. And then the movie ends with Mark Zuckerberg facebook-stalking his ex.

Jesse Eisenberg was good though.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Chain Reaction

So there's a small venue near where I live called Chain Reaction. My friend told me about it because he had gone before and he wanted to go again. So I said alright and I look up some of the bands playing there. It was a lot of unknown bands, names I had never even heard of, but then I saw the band Ludo was playing. I knew a few of their songs because one was on the radio and a friend of mine had the album so I had listened to some of there stuff and of course was immediately a fan of The Horror of Our Love, which is a beautifully evil song. So we got there at like 7ish but the band wasn't on until like 9:40. We ended up just doing random things to pass the time, like we went to Target and got cookies and then we sat in my friends car and watched Team Four Star's Dragon Ball Z Abridged. Which is hilarious and I would recommend to anyone who watched DBZ as a kid. When the band came on I was instantly a fan. I swear the band themselves were having the most fun in the whole place, and the lead-singer just having the time of his life. It really made me want to be in a band, to just go up on stage and act crazy for a few hours with a couple good friends, and even thought it's hot a balls and you're sweating bullets you couldn't care less. Anyway when the show was over, we got some autographs and some pictures and stuff. Then the guy on the synthesizer, handed out some CDs of some other band and told us to listen to them and post what we thought on his facebook. I thought the name of the album was good: "The First Album was Better." The songs themselves were a little to slow, I mean a ballad here and there is fine but the whole albums was like that. I felt the song about squirrels taking over the town went a long ways towards redeeming the album but they're not a band who's career I see taking off

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

There is no right answer

Short post while I'm waiting for the weekend. 5 questions and my answers to them

1. What would you do with a million dollars?

I would use the money to make a movie, preferably of my favorite book ever House of Leaves, it would be a very high budget independent film. Paranormal activity only cost $15K think what I could do with a million. I hire decent small time actresses and use my producer/director influence to get with one or more of them. Then depending on the revenue of the movie when it is released, I either invest in technology that will eventually give me super powers, or buy the internet.

2. If the Google Maps van was coming towards you what would you do?

Jump in front of it. I think it would be hilarious to go to street view and all the sudden there is a dude dead in the road and then the next click shows the Google maps guys standing over the body like "OMG, OMG" and then the next click goes back to the road like nothing happened.

3. Whats the stupidest thing you've ever heard/seen?

Del Taco, 2 AM, guy in the drive-through is pissing out of his car from the driver seat, when he noticed that we were right there at the tables outside and we were looking at him, this genius decides to respond with "What? You never seen a man piss out his car before?"

4. What is the meaning of life?

I think that if you're interesting and entertaining then your life has meaning. The actual meaning of life is probably something stupid though, like it was all just God playing Sims.

5. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because I right-clicked on the other side.

Post your own answers in the comments, you can respond to one question, all of them, make up your own I don't care

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Does anyone else do this?

Or is it just me?

1. Dream you already got up and went to class, and then you really wake up
2. See a yellow light and for a split second think, maybe it will turn green
3. Go on Omegle to mess with strangers and then end up having a long conversation about something significant
4. Wonder if anyone else does the weird things you do
5. Break social norms just to see peoples reactions
6. Say sneeze after you sneeze
7. Hang around with druggies just to prove that you're immune to peer pressure
8. Speak with a different accent to people you will probably never meet again

I'm gonna guess half of these are just me. I'd think of more but I have to go to Physics class.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The floor is lava

So I asked my friend Zach (the writer from my Rape Zombies post) how the book was coming and he told me it was on hold. When I asked how long he said, "Let me put it this way, the working title of the book is: I'm Never Going to Finish This." Personally I'm impressed he got as far as he did before he gave up on it. He always was very vocal about his hatred of writing. Hopefully this hiatus is not indefinite and he will return to writing what I can only assume is the greatest book of all time. I mean with rape zombies and one of the characters having Tourettes, it is obviously the Grapes of Wrath of our time.

Later on my brother, my friend, and I decided we were going to make videos to put on youtube. coming up with a hundred great ideas we didn't have the means of doing, we decided to make a short video of my friend walking into a room and staring at us standing on the couches, I then proceed to tell him that the floor is lava and then my brother falls onto the floor and starts screaming. It's pretty stupid, I know. I'll probably post it when I finish editing it.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Gun Shrimp

I don't know if it is the greatest argument for evolution or the greatest argument for creationism but here it is, the Pistol Shrimp

I assume it will one day rise up and destroy us.

Halo: My Anti-drug

So I was hanging out with a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while because he was a really heavy pot head. I mean of all the drugs he could be doing pot isn't that bad, but he was getting arrested and so my parents were like he's a bad influence and told me to stay away from him. They don't realize that I have an incredible immunity to peer pressure, and that I can legally make my own decisions about who I want to associate with. Anyways he's been sober for about a week now, not very impressive, but I think the reason is the best part of this story. He literally gave up drugs to play Halo: Reach. He gave up pot at least, I think he still smokes the occasional cigarette but I can only speculate. Back as far as Halo 2 I think he was always the best player. When Halo 3 came around he became like a semi-professional player, so he would compete in tournaments and win most of them but they were local and he won like $50 or like some Monster energy drinks. Now he's been playing the new Halo instead of smoking pot. Which is better in my opinion because Halo is much cheaper and he has the opportunity to make money if he's REALLY good. though making back the money he spent on weed is going to be difficult considering he spent almost $17K on weed.

So this same night me and my ex-stonner friend, along with another friend, are at guitar center. Two of us play guitar and Mr. Halo pro was interested in learning drums. The thing is he's broke. The cheapest drum set there was around $400. I told him to Craig list it. I was also looking at a nice Ibanez with silver-burst. But the whole time I was trying it out there was some kid right next to me who just had to keep upstaging me. And then when I though he was done, nope, he's just playing bass now. Speaking of bass, my friend bought the sound track to Scott Pilgrim and we were blasting it in the car

"We are sex bom-omb and were here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff."
-Scott Pilgrim

Friday, September 24, 2010

Rape Zombies

Ok so here's an excerpt from a book a friend of mine is writing. This is still preliminary and needs a lot of rewriting and editing but I think he has come up with the worst possible way for the world to end:

Let me slow down a bit and explain, because I don’t know how much background you been given about this era of human existence. I assume in whatever future you are reading this in you have more information than we do now, but if you don’t here is the information we have. I don’t know what year it is; no one does. But the consensus is that civilization fell some time after the year 2007, that’s the date of the latest record we have found. There was an outbreak, a disease that crippled the conscious decisions of the human mind and left only the primal instincts. It was blood-borne and fast acting, and it spread like cockroaches scared by a light or a jagged ripple in a pool. It left very little behind it. I’ve read enough of the old world’s fiction to know what zombies are. This was worse. It was false to assume that zombies would be mindless. Even in their most bestial state men were still pack hunters. The banded together and overran large groups with simultaneous attacks from all sides. Also these weren’t the undead, just infected. The third discrepancy is what really sets the real zombies from the mythical ones. Zombies didn’t just want food and water, but there was a third primal need that most predictions overlooked: sex. Yeah that’s fucking right, rape zombies. Since the disease was blood-borne it was also an STD. Though I’m sure some of the disease was spread through fights and open wounds, it was transferred mainly through infected gang-bangs. Whenever I feel depressed I just think about how blessed I am not to have been alive then. As humanities numbers dwindled, the disease subsided but it did not disappear. Instead the infected adapted to it, and over the generations have become something more disgusting. We call them used to call them subs, short for sub-human, but Cid calls them trolls, I’m assuming because they were dirty and vicious, and it’s been catching on. (On a side note I’ve always wanted to create a slang word, so I’m a little jealous.) They are different from the world-ending infected because they were born with the disease and so the effects are more tolerable. To them at least, we however, find it harder to ignore them. See, they have developed methods to lure people to them. Usually it’s something like a free food sign or whatever, but some are slyer. There have been fake news stations that turn out to be an ambush, and they’ll broadcast things that are deliberately aggravating in order to trick people into rioting on the station. About a month ago a well known radio broadcaster said something negative about a local religious cult, in retaliation they marched on the radio’s headquarters. The cult is gone and so it the radio station, but the few that escaped the massacre/rape-fest made sure the story was heard again and again.

Wait what?

I want to share with you guys some things my friend Andrew said.

"Technically we took High School to pass the eight grade"
"I couldn't hear him too much sugar"

There are somethings in this world that make me miss being dead.

Anyways I know the blog is still small and I might as well be typing to myself but i don't want to go back and change these posts later so I'm going to imagine there are hundreds of people reading this. So I'm going to suggest things and link stuff I think should be shared with the world, or at the very least the kind of people who would follow my blog. First, some books. If your a fan of horror, not horror movies but actual psychologically traumatic horror, then I would suggest to you my favorite book of all time, Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves. Of course customers who bought House of Leaves on amazon also bought my other book suggestion John Dies @ The End which you can pick up here as well. It falls into the estranged genre of horror/comedy the likes of which only the head editor of could write. For those of you unfamiliar with the site, go there and read some articles. If horror or comedy are not for you then I have no idea what you think you'll get out of this blog.

"Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. So you kill the hour. You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. And when at last it is over, there is no evidence: no weapon, no blood, and no body. The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share."
— Mark Z. Danielewski

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Alt art

Does anybody else think alt art is awesome? I really wish I could draw

Right off the bat

So it's my friend's birthday yesterday. I go over to his house to play some video games with him and his brother, and we decide to go see Resident Evil in 3D Imax. Also we decide to go to the Fatburger by the theater so that I can do the XXXL burger challenge. So like an idiot I was convinced by my friend to pregame Fatburger by eating three tamales and some cake. When I got the burger it look delicious, even though it was like crying grease. I could help but look down at the pool of melted lard and say "hahahahaha that's in my heart" When about a third of the burger was left (that's still half a pound of meat) time began to slow down. It took like an hour or something to finish the last bit but I did it. I got a certificate too. After that ordeal we saw the movie. This is a spoiler warning but I mean come on are you really going to see Resident Evil for the plot? No. you're going to see it for bullet-dodging Wesker and to see the guy from prison break break out of prison. I know right? Plot twist. Anyway, so in like the first scene the main character stabs some dude with a katana and the blade doesn't come out the back side of him. I mean they must have noticed that and then just were to lazy to go back and correct it. Also when Chris is all "Claire, you're my sister," everyone accepts it? seriously there are maybe 400 people alive in the world and they happen to find Claire's brother. If I was in that room I would have at least been all like "what are the odds?" So after the movie was over we all decide to go to LA at midnight to get some taco's from some hole in the wall taco place. And nothing happened. I was so disappointed. I thought we might have to fight some dudes or something, and then some guy would have pulled a knife and everyone would have backed up and been like "whoa man," but I would have been all cool and shit. And then the guy with the knife would be all like "Ima stab you" and I'm  all "that's cool, if I get stabbed three more times I get a free Subway foot long." I wouldn't survive long in a bad neighborhood.

If you didn't like my story then here's some funny links

If you didn't like the links either then follow my blog so that you can make obscene comments

Because of course.

Here's the breakdown: I think I'm hilarious, but I've never been an excellent judge of character so I might be way off. So I'm just gonna leave a story here, a link there, and see if what I think of is really worth reading.